Life of A

I hope whoever is reading this, that this will help anyone in need, as I’m hoping starting this blog will help me.

I am 40 years old, starting my first blog. I, as many people have, gone through hard times and usually come right back on top. Currently, I am going through the hardest time of my life, and I have no idea how to get back.

On August 19, 2024, I got the worst news I ever could have gotten. One of my biggest fears had come true. At the time, I was 17 weeks along in my pregnancy with my daughter, Charlotte. I had an appointment that day for a sonogram. My mom was with me. We went through the scan and at the end, the lady performing the scan said she was going to show the results to the radiologist. I thought it was strange that we didn’t get to hear the heartbeat or even see the baby, but I didn’t question it at the time. She came back in the room and told us that they had contacted my doctor and the doctor needed to see me right away. We tried to ask questions but of course, couldn’t get any answers. I could feel my heart drop and just knew something was wrong.

We got to the doctor and I had already been crying. The nurse called us back and she saw I was upset. She asked if she could give me a hug, which confirmed to me, that something was wrong. I hugged her and she asked what I had been told and I told her we hadn’t been given any answers. The doctor came into the room the nurse took us to. She explained that they couldn’t find the heartbeat and it looked like the baby had been gone for about a week based on the size of the baby.

The next few days were the longest days of my life. Charlotte was developed enough that I had to go through some labor and deliver her. I delivered her on August 23rd, 2024, just after midnight. They told me the umbilical cord had gotten wrapped around her neck and that’s what killed her. My mom was with me, again, and we both got to hold her for as long as we wanted. I think the hardest thing for me to do was to leave that evening, without her.

Since then, I’ve grieved, and grieved, and when I thought I couldn’t do anymore, I grieved even more. At the one year mark, I thought I was finally starting to move forward. This Christmas proved that was anything but true. If Charlotte would have made it to full term, this would have been her first Christmas. I feel like I’ve hit a wall. Not sure what I can do to help get myself through this or at least learn to function with it. I’ve talked to people, I’ve thought about therapy but I’m not ready to make that step just yet.

The one thing that’s really helped me, is my son. He is the best thing in my entire world. He’s 5 years old with level 2 autism. He is so smart and he just lights up my whole day, no matter how bad of a day it’s been. His hugs and kisses are the best thing ever. Without this little boy, I’m not sure where I would be. He doesn’t know it, but he’s saved me more times than I can count. I’m hoping, by doing this blog, that I can start to move forward, and be a better mom to him. He deserves so much better than what I’ve given lately.